I was on my yoga mat, but instead of relaxing into asana practice, I was all keyed up, feeling anxious and small.
My mind raced: Would I live up to my own lofty plans? Would I be able to carry the projects i envisioned all the way through. Was I worthy?
Plus, the kids had me rattled, mom had me shaken, dad had me stricken with grief.
As we moved into our first challenging pose, downward facing dog, the hot flashes began.
I tried to ignore them. I tried to breathe through them. I tried to do the poses anyway. I tried to keep going.
I collapsed onto my mat.
Are you okay? Suzi, my yoga teacher, asked.
Hot flashes, I groaned.
Ah, she said. Well, see if you can find the grace in that.
The grace in hot flashes?
I laughed. I breathed. The flash came and went. I braced for the next one. It didn’t come.
Well, look at that! I thought. This was a shift in the pattern. And, you know, I teach this stuff. But still…
I’ve tried every available remedy – herbs, bio-identical hormones, acupuncture, deep breathing – to cure the hot flashes that have scorched me, night and day, for three years, maybe four now. But they’ve only gotten worse.
Lately, I’ve been trying to figure it out in a different way – was there some psychological, spiritual cause?
I moved through the practice. When, inevitably, I felt a hot flash begin burning its familiar path up my spine, I greeted it. Hello, I said, opening to face the heat. What grace is this?
And each time, it dissolved.
I learned from this for an hour.
At the end of practice, during deep relaxation, I lay on my yoga mat and Suzi read us a Mary Oliver poem, “Let the world have its way with you..” she read.
And my eyes filled with tears.
Cuz’ I understood.
The grace in hot flashes.
The world having its way with me.
All year, as I’ve worked on my book, in the flow of the sea of miracles, I have been inspired and clear and ready. I have understood things with a depth and a clarity that surprised and, frankly, amazed me. I’ve never been so focused. I’ve found my true work – and while I was doing it, in the flow of the dance of joy that I was doing with God, there were absolutely no hot flashes.
Or maybe, I just hadn’t noticed them. Either way, there was no resistance.
And that’s when I got it, lying there on the mat and letting Mary Oliver’s words – and grace – have their way with me:
When there was nothing to resist – no fear, no anxiety about my worthiness, no feeling that I needed permission to do the work that I loved to do, there were no hot flashes.
Instead there was inspiration.
{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
Thank you Amy ~ Found this via Twitter. Yes, life is better when we relate to whatever comes up or goes down with a touch of grace. As a male I can appreciate hot flashes suffered by women but wonder if men do not have their own version. We learn from our sufferings, whatever their sources, and sufferings endured help make us stronger, wise and know that life is often about learning from our sufferings. We are graced to be able to learn life’s many lessons. ~Che Peta
This is beautiful, and so inspiring … I have one of those moments of “getting it” that you describe as I read your words here. Incidentally, Mary Oliver’s poetry has been a portal to that understanding for me as well.
Love it. That’s an amazing mantra – What grace is this? We learn powerful lessons from difficult situations or painful/uncomfortable physical issues if we can listen to what the universe is saying.
Thank you all for stopping by – and for leaving a comment.
Peta – Thanks for contributing the male – and very wise – POV on this.
Lindsey – Mary Oliver’s work just keeps opening and opening to me. It’s yet another kind of grace, isn’t it?
Jessica – Each time I come to this idea, of turning to face the problem, I think of the young wizard named Ged, in Ursula LeGuin’s “A Wizard of Earthsea.” Marvelous little treasure of a book.
Amy,
I was wondering how you were going to explain the grace in hot flashes. Wonderful story and so glad you were helped. Cherry
O so lovely. I plan to write “What grace is this?” on my mirror in lipstick until it sticks.
And I love the idea of reaching back to our past selves with wisdom as our higher selves.
Thank you so very much!
Thank you for this beautiful post. Taking it in. Asking what grace is this? I know, deep within, that through this current difficulty, life will open up even more fully.
I love this. It’s so much better than asking, “What fresh hell is this?”
I like how lyrically you wrote about it, too.
I hope you find the key to the hot flashes.
much love to you-
Bridget
And today, I am asking to see the grace in another kind of heat: My car overheated. What am I being shown? What heat is being expressed? What cooling water, perhaps, neglected?
Grace – one of the most beautiful virtues, so captivating when I see it expressed through others ~ so inspiring when I can emulate it myself.
For me, the Grace in hot flashes serves much like the fever in a serious illness: I’m incinerating all that is not serving me from the inside out ~ and as each warmth infusion subsides, I give thanks for its role in clearing me with Love and creating space for more productive feelings and emotions to carry me through all that still awaits.
And I generally do this while standing outside, in the snow, in bare feet and a t-shirt ~ while the rest of the family keeps there distance for fear of an emotional outburst. I don’t quite have the whole Grace thing flowing in practical application … but my heart and mind are pretty clear on its purpose and I figure, it’s only a matter of time before the rest of me follows.
Sally – I manage my hot flashes with ice, showers and lots of water. And I love the image of incineration of all that doesn’t serve. Gonna borrow that.
Brenda – That fascinates me – no hot flashes in your beloved Greece. How does this work? What are our bodies, these brilliant communicators, trying to tell us?
I sense that the message is: You are suppressing a movement of some kind, some generosity of heart or creative fire; something is asking to be born through you and you are pushing down the impulse out of fear, misunderstanding and/or sense of lack.
How can we, how can I honor this message and ease into action instead?
This is brilliant!! Over the past few years, I’ve wondered why I never experienced hot flashes whenever I visited Greece … there I feel this connectedness. With your help and guidance, maybe I’ll feel it here too! Of course, I am looking forward to boarding that plane again …
Thank you so much for this!
Amy:
You have a way with both words and how to turn your experiences into wonderful stories.
Hugs, my friend,
Michelle
“I saw that time is not a line but a sea of everything and everywhere and every moment. ” I am in love with this line, this concept. But it scares me at the same time. I’m so ready for #CIP. Ready to meet you and learn from you and everyone else. Excellent post, Amy.
@erinlynn76
Downward facing dog is one of the most important poses since it’s such a yoga staple. Most of our “dogs” could use a little refining. I found Leeann Carey has a free yoga video for hands-on adjustments in down dog. Thought your readers might want to check it out: http://planetyoga.com/yoga-blogs/index.php/free-yoga-video-hands-on-adjustments-for-downward-facing-dog/
Dear Amy,
I peruse your website regularly, and I follow you on Twitter. I enjoy #soulcall mornings whenever I can. I have learned so much from you. You are an amazing woman and help so many people. After reading all of your “Grace” posts (I have hot flashes, too), I’m facing the most rudimentary question ever. How to even define “grace”? I’m finding myself at a block. When your yoga teacher asked what grace is this… could she have substituted the word “gift”? Maybe. Funny how sometimes the simplest word is not so simple. How would you define grace if asked?
I am so grateful to hear from you. Thank you for leaving this question – and inviting me to respond.
I think you could substitute the word ‘gift’ for ‘grace’. If a word, like ‘grace’ or even, ‘God’, has picked up an energy – a charge, that’s uncomfortable for you, use a better word. Use language that brings you closer to resonance with the truth inside yourself.
When I use the word grace, I am referring to meaningful guidance or gifts that seem to have been delivered by the angels – or by God.
Amy, thank you for this reply. It helped a lot!
Thank you for this. I am going to try it for my own hot flashes–what you say about it resonates like I already knew it but it is still a little bit outside my comprehension…but I am determined to get it.
Thanks for lifting me even higher!
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