It’s (finally) okay with me to want what I want – and to let you want what you want, too.

In my own dance with my work and the braided forces of the world, I am coming to understand a few things which may also be awakening for you.

971933_10200926956389751_2096383633_n1) It’s okay to want what I actually want. (Another way of saying this, it’s okay to be me – the real me.)

It’s okay that I want to be beautiful and sexy and healthy and whole.

It’s okay that I want attention and praise and kindness.

It’s okay to stop working so hard.

It’s okay for me to travel in search of wonder and beauty – even if other people say, “There’s plenty of that here!”

It’s okay to want an ordered, organized life.

Wanting what I want – and having it – is not criticism of those in my life who are not interested in these things (like my husband). It’s okay for me to want things he does not want – and to find, purchase and/or create them. It’s okay to bring them home.

It’s okay that wanting these things makes me feel raw and scared and vulnerable.
My rawness, terror and vulnerability are okay, too.

It’s okay that wanting these things also makes me feel alive.
 – which is what makes it worth risking, owning and getting to know those other feelings. Cuz here they are – and here I am, wanting stuff – and I don’t want the reason I didn’t reach – didn’t live – to be that I was afraid to be afraid.

2) I am special – actually special. 

I forget this sometimes. I get to thinking that I have to prove myself, have to push and strive and wear myself to a frizzle-frazzle to be worthy of the approval of the world.  

The astonishing truth is: the world doesn’t mind (or much notice) what I do. Some days, I can be soaked in rainbows and rolled in glitter and no one cares. Does this mean I should rev up my game – get louder, brighter, more sparkly? Nope. It’s not about them – and every time I get caught in that story, the glitter itches, the rainbows run in the rain.

This weekend, during meditation, I was given the most beautiful, simple truth. I was granted new visions, new abilities – I could see things I’d never seen before. I was astonished, delighted, tickled from the inside with angel feathers until….

My ego noticed. It started whispering in my ear, “Wow! You could make money with that! You should blog about that! You could get famous with that!”

Ugh. I thought. Go away stupid ego!

I tried to return my attention to my breath, to the beautiful colors of the vision that had, just a moment earlier, shimmered into form before my closed eyes.

Suddenly, I heard another voice – a truer voice – the voice of the one who sees all of this and knows who I really am. The voice of the soul.

I watched as it gathered up all of the illusions and self-aggrandizing BS that my ego had spun to cloud my vision and put them in a pile. I watched as the pile shimmered out of existence. Just disappeared.

No fireworks. No magic spells. Just whoosh… and ahhhhhhh.

I was left with a room of clear, clean spaciousness – and a simple wooden table upon which appeared four shimmering words. A shining sentence, pregnant with meaning:

You actually are special.

I  laughed as my belly filled with effervescent joy bubbles.

I really am a good writer. I really can read energy and patterns. I really do help people. I really am a good mother, a beautiful woman, a whole and valuable human being.

And then, oh my! I understood: I really am here to help heal the world. We all are – and we are all special.

All of this time, I’d believed ( in a place that I didn’t even know was there) that I had to prove myself, had to earn my keep on this planet before I’d be allowed (by the jury of ‘everyone  else’) to simply bring my gift.

What I saw in meditation was this: we don’t need to prove how special we are. We just need to get to work.

3)  You don’t need me and I can’t rescue anyone.

I am a guide (and a capable one) but I am not the bridge. It’s my job to say, as clearly as I can, what I see; to post signs and drop pebbles and draw diagrams that lead to the bridge. But it is not my job to carry you across. That’s your job.

This truth is very hard for me. I grew up taking care of people who should have been taking care of me. I was trained from a very early age that my energy was up for grabs and that, if I didn’t give it away to anyone who asked, I was hurting them.

This is a lie.

We can’t fund another person’s life with our own reserves. We may want to – but we can’t. We can’t carry their pain. We can’t make them change. We can’t (not really) heal them if they don’t want to heal.

This is a thick, tough root to pull out of the psyche – and out of the collective. We are taught that suffering is bad and that people in crisis and pain NEED us to give away pieces of ourselves to make them better.

It turns out that this is the opposite of true. As my father, who has lived his whole life with a disability taught me, “Everyone’s disabled – and everyone is special.” When people would feel sorry for him for what he could not do (or when they’d feel super-impressed with him for what he did accomplish), he’d say, “That’s their illusion – don’t put that shit on me.”

That’s the raw truth.

People who are struggling, or in crisis may need support and community and counsel. But not always – and they never need pieces of you. What they need, no matter what they may think, is the courage and will to carry their own lives – and their own suffering.

And when it is time for them to cross their bridges to healing and wholeness, they must cross alone. You cannot build them a bridge, you cannot even find the bridge for them. you can try but as I am sure you’ve discovered, if they aren’t ready, they will not see the bridge – and they will resent you for trying to push them.

In fact, as I’ve learned from raising my kids into their 20s, people need to find or build their own bridges. Crossing those bridges is also their job – and their choice. And often, they’re gonna choose a different bridge than the one you’d like them to cross.

The only real job I have (or you have) is witnessing their journey and letting them learn to carry their own lives across.

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Showing 23 comments
  • Deb

    Your writing speaks to me so profoundly. Thank you for sharing this with the world.

    • Amy

      Thank you, Deb. I’m so touched by what you’ve written. Thank you for taking the time to let me know.

  • Laura Doreson

    Yes, you are not a good writer. You are a superlative writer.
    I love what you experienced in your meditation retreat! Truth is truth. Lies are lies. “A Rose is a Rose is a Rose”.
    I have also experienced similar visions and realizations through meditation. My realization was “I create beauty. Let it shine.”
    And Uncle Ray, you are damn awesome.
    I love my family!
    And I love this Soul Caller family of kindred spirits.

    • Amy

      Thank you my cousin. Glad we’re on the planet together.

  • Ivy

    Amy…I understand what you did for me…you said what you saw, and enrolled me in your vision. I did cross the bridge, myself, but with support, love, guidance, and angels holding my hand. xoxoxo

  • Allison Nazarian

    Yes! Gorgeous.

  • Reply

    I really loved this part: “…people need to find or build their own bridges. And when they do, crossing is their job – and their choice. They may not even choose to traverse the bridge you’d like them to cross.”

    I played with the image and I saw someone walking downstream until he found a bridge he wanted to cross, at his own pace. How long he stays on this side of the river is his own decision.

    Your imagery (I loved the ‘itching glitter,’ too!) is rich and impactful. Please keep sharing!

  • Alice

    I recommend your writing often to my friends, family and students, Amy. And every word you write shines with the reason. Thanks for another beautiful, affirming, and inspiring reminder.

    • Amy

      A bow of gratitude – and friendship. xxoo

  • Barb

    Beautiful, Amy. The bridge thing really got to me, as I sit this morning, listening to my children (22,17) sleeping upstairs. I’ve never really allowed them the space to suffer. I know I must. I have brought my own suffering to the surface this year, and have grown stronger for it. Now I must let them do the same. (ouch, but a necessary boo boo.)

    This post was especially meaningful for me. Thank you for speaking your truth and being so human. xo

    • Amy

      Thank YOU for traveling this road with me, my friend. xxoo

  • Reggie

    Part 3 resonated with me strongly. I, too, was raised to always smile (it seems that everyone expected me to be happy, according to my mother). I was expected to give my belongings to someone else and if I didn’t whatever it was was taken from me and given away, sometimes behind my back. I was expected to be sure everyone else had everything they needed and if there were any crumbs left over, I could have them, just as long as no one else wanted them…it took me a very long time to learn that it’s ok to say no, to ask for what I want, to have the right to set boundaries and to have them honored. Thank you for sharing your message.

    • Amy

      It is SO very okay for you to have your own things. One of the hardest lessons to learn: you are not responsible for my happiness; and I am not responsible for yours. Thank you so much for your honesty. Your comment touched my heart.

  • anne

    Thanks for sharing that today. It really spoke to me on so many levels.

    • Amy

      So glad YOU shared your comment. I love hearing from you!

  • Jennifer @decaporter

    this is such a special post. I especially love this paragraph, “..can be soaked in rainbows and rolled in glitter and no one cares. …It’s not about them – and every time I get caught in that story, the glitter itches, the rainbows run in the rain.”
    The glitter itches! Fabulous!!
    But, I dont know if I completely agree with no one caring. I think our egos expect an all or nothing situation. Everyone in the world need to notice or care, which realistically could never happen.
    Many of my life changing moments have been from when 1 person cared. Only 1. That power can fuel the world.
    Thank you for such a great way to start my day.
    just sharing truthfully, as you have here, can make a difference to many.

    • Amy

      Such a good point – and yes, the ego is voracious isn’t it? I’m so glad you left your comment. 🙂

  • Joy

    Yes. To all of it (especially tickled from the inside with angel feathers *and* it’s not my job to carry you across). Thank you for the gift of all that you reflect and share.

  • linda

    shimmering words, all of them, lighting my path today as I look for my bridge…or begin to build it, whichever. <3

  • Kim

    I really needed to hear this today, Amy, both for myself and for the others in my life. Your writing is exquisite.

    • Amy

      Thank you! And thank you for stopping to leave a comment so I can see you. 🙂

  • Heather

    I really love this post. What a beautiful soul you are. And such a beautiful journey you are on. Thank you for being a light for me and for the reminders and for showing up as you!

    • Amy

      Much love to you Heather. Thank you.

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