When I was in high school, this kid used to walk behind me on my way to school whispering, “You ugly. You so ugly you should just go home. You butt ugly. You so ugly you should be ashamed…” And other such loveliness.
And that sucked because, as all bullies somehow manage to do, he’d zeroed in on the ONE THING that was vulnerable in me.
From my adult perspective, I can see that I was not ugly – I was really really cute – and chances are, he had a twisted kind of crush on me. Stupid ass.
High school has sucked since the beginning of time.
Throw a big bunch of insecure people into an over-crowded, minimally supervised hallway and… OMG! it’s a formula for disaster. But for kids who are ‘different,’ kids who are already walking around feeling isolated by confusion about their sexuality or their different body type or their disability or their weird family, it’s a minefield.
And from inside that hallway, under the blue florescent light that makes everyone look all blotchy and weird, it can seem like: This is my fucking life? This is not how I wanted things to turn out,,,
But there is so much world outside of that hallway, that high school. And almost none of it is like high school.
Your high school is a very small pond – there is a huge pond, the whole wide world waiting to welcome you. Out here, there are other different people just like you.
—
I keep thinking about those beautiful boys we lost this week. I keep thinking about their parents, their friends and teachers, all the people who cared about them and who are now missing them so much. I think about how if they’d only known – if the people who DID like and love them had been able to reach out and SAY SO, those kids would be here today.
I think about my two beautiful gay sisters, and what an empty, lonely world it would be without them. Thank Heaven they made it through – thank Heaven for our tolerant family and reasonably accepting community.
The gay community is a vibrant, supportive open and welcoming group where you can be exactly how you are and still be accepted. My sisters are part of two strong, supportive groups – one in Brooklyn, one in California. One sister is a sculptor, living in California, in a happy, healthy relationship with the best woman on the planet. The other has a son, is a budding chef, and an artist, also in relationship with the best woman on the planet. (There are so many ‘best’ women – and men.)
My sisters and their friends live complete, full lives. They travel all over the world and they’re constantly doing all kinds of fun and fulfilling things – snorkeling, hot air ballooning, concerts, ball games, great restaurants… what i mean is, they live joyful, whole lives.
See, it gets better.
And for all you other kids, the ones who want to help but are afraid that, if you reach out, if you say something, the bullies might turn on you, too. Reach out anyway.
Get ALL of your other friends to reach out with you. Start a club like the one my dear second daughter, Molly, joined when she was in high school. It was called something like: Straight kids who support and love their gay friends. (Something like that)
The more of you the better – and the less likely the bullies will DARE misbehave on you.
Bullies are chickens. That’s why they strut around all puffed up like they do. Bullies are cowards in leather jackets. They’re bluffing.
Call their bluff.
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To gay teens, I am posting this here, just in case you stop by, to say: I am here, I care. If you need an adult to talk to, reach out. I’m listening. I’m here.
Here are some other people in YOUR community who care and who’ve taken a stand for YOU – people who want you to be happy, who want you to know this simple message: It gets better after high school.
Toll-free 1-800-246-PRIDE (1-800-246-7743)
youth@GLBTNationalHelpCenter.org
866-488-7386
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Look at this outpouring, look at this love…
Tim Gunn, courageously speaking about his own struggles with being different:
Sarah Silverman: Message to America
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A final note to grownups:
To the parents, teachers, men/women on the street:
Bullies can’t isolate and terrorize kids who are strongly anchored in their peer communities;. We need to reach out to kids- and to adults – who seem to be struggling. We need to open our hearts and be brave about saying, “I see you, I understand and accept you as you are.”
But let’s also reach out to bullies. They’re kids – frightened, confused kids. And while they ALL need a good slap upside the head, they need help. Serious help. Counseling, listening, outreach.
We need to dig in with kids like this, not isolate them further. Many of them – especially kids involved with cyber-bullying and Gossip Girl style text bullying – don’t realize how serious their actions really are.
Many of them claim they were just trying to have fun. Someone has to teach them, before this shit goes down, before another life is lost that this is deadly serious. It ruins the lives of the kids on the receiving end, sometimes it drives someone to suicide – and that could land THEM in jail.
When we lose a teen to suicide, we lose a precious dear one. A family is shattered. A community grieves. We also lose the bullies – troubled kids who might have been stopped if only someone reached out.
All are punished.
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
My dear Amy,
What a wonderful piece you wrote. High school was fun , alot of good times but alot of sad ones as well. As you know, I was not the prettiest in high school and kids made sure they told me. At least once a day, someone would make fun of my nose. I would go home cry and tell my parents
I could not wait until I had surgery. It made me very insecure and even when I did have my nose surgery those scars remained. I see my son Jonathan being tortured in school today because he has the most beautiful eyes and the kids call him liner boy. His eyeslashes are so long and dark that they think he wears eyeliner. He is so hurt and so sensitive about it that he hates school at times. He is angry and no matter how many times he tells them he does not wear makeup they still torture him. Kids are cruel, kids think they are funny, and the most popular kids or the jocks are the ones who torture the most. Today it is different, today kids kill themselves and
feel there is no other way to cope. I am heartbroken about these kids. I have contacted my sons middle school and had a meeting with the principal and guidance counselers to find out what can be done for all the children and my son who feel so isolated at times. Something has to be done and something has to change about the cyberbullying as well. My son deactivated his
facebook because of cyberbullying. It is so hard for these children and my heart goes out to each and every one that hurts. I will do anything as a parent and mother to help . We need help as
a society to stop this. These kids have a life ahead of them, it should not be cut short because of
these children. We need to do something and fast. Too many kids have died in this last month and it is scary.
Thanks, Liz. And, as you and I attended the same high school, I do remember. (PS you were gorgeous in high school, my love. It’s those damed florescent lights – I am telling you!) I think what you’re doing with your son’s school is remarkable and brave. If more parents got involved, and insisted on programs that help these kids, we might be able to stop it.
Is there a national movement of parents, a la MADD, for bullying?
grow up and come to colleges like purchase where once a year a couple of close-minded missionaries come and stand awkwardly in a far corner of the great lawn. and more than half the population of students hang out on the lawn, laughing and staring at the ignorance. and teachers let their classes out early so that everyone can join the crowd. and the teachers join the crowd. so…
my point is
there are places where the bullies are the minority and when they try to bully they are not bullied back or attacked. they are laughed at. because the truth is, with a whole student body of sanity standing with you its impossible to not spot the insanity of a ignorant, confused unoriginal, preachy, blinded bully and if you simply cant be bullied they promptly disintegrate into poo.
Um… daughter of mine. I love you with all my heart – and I DO get your point, that after high school there are places like colleges where people push back against bullying. Still, the moment i hear the phrase, “awkwardly standing in a corner,” I just want to make sure that, in defending yourselves against the ignorance, you aren’t marginalizing or bullying those kids either. Is it just me being overly concerned? Please advise.
Beautiful words Amy and so heartfelt! I considered suicide at age twelve. I realized I was gay, and I thought I must be all those awful things they say I am… Thanks to your sister’s pep talk that day, I made a choice to make it out of school and go away from there. Years later I understand, after much work, how lucky I was to have families like yours, friends like you and your sisters, and other people outside of the general population, who were open minded and able to tell me truths that would eventually become real for me. That I did look like a girl with eyeliner to some, and that was OK. What wasn’t OK was the instant hatred. It still isn’t OK. I still receive threats, taunts and insults, not to mention being bashed as an adult. The people in this country who have loud voices are saying to these children that they’re right to bully gays. It’s so common in our communities, it’s so blatant, it’s always there. But as you said, I changed after HS and am still learning to live my life happily and w/o fear. The conversation you’ve sparked here is opening up many ideas for me and others. Thank you for carrying on the tradition in your family of caring for ALL the kids on the block, not just your own. Thank you for being an incredible role model to your amazing children. Thank you for everything.
I love you, bro. Serious crushy heartbreaking love. Thanks for checking in. Take care of you.
Very well said Amy! I have never had an issue with bullies and actually never saw it at my school – I wonder sometimes if I was just oblivious or if that kind of stuff was not going on… I don’t know… But I do know that I have NO – ZERO- tolerance for bullies- and I would definitely be there and do all I could to help and person going through those feelings!
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