New money

Yesterday, I came into some money. Not a huge fortune – just a couple of thousand dollars. A nice chunk.

When the check cleared, I opened the Garnet Hill catalog and took a deep breath. I dialed and when the woman on the other end asked, “How can I help you?” I opened my mouth and let myself order something that I wanted…. just because I wanted it.

The cashmere shawl, I said, keeping my voice even. The blue one…

I hung up shaking. This was real shopping, as opposed to my usual way of perusing the Garnet Hill catalog, aka Fake Shopping. And it took a long minute for the reality of what I’d just done to sink in. I had spent money – 160 dollars, to be exact – on me.

I wasn’t always like this. I grew up in an affluent suburb of Long Island – Great Neck, New York – the first town outside the NYC  border, where the nouveau riche built their mansions – funded by cash from the rag trade and the entertainment industry – and the well-heeled ladies lunched at Millie’s Place, browsed the high-end boutiques along Middle Neck Road and had their hair and nails perfectly polished at Peter’s Place.

In Great Neck, shopping was like breathing.

Of course, if you came from a weirdo family with an artist mother and a social worker dad, and you couldn’t afford the Landlubber jeans and Huk-A-Poo blouses, there was always, you know, stealing. (Because you had to keep up.)

And later, credit (which was – or so it felt, to me – another kind of stealing – cuz if you could stay on top of the monthly payments, you never had to pay it back.)

When I married my husband, I had already racked up over $20,000 in credit card debt. My ‘out of control’ spending (his words) met my need for constant infusions of designer clothing, fine dining, extravagant (his word) vacations met his frugal (I had another word for it, then) nature, and his never-ending quest to never spend more than we earned (to which I scoffed, ha!) and BOOM.

We paid it all back

My husband insisted I cancel all but one charge card. He froze that one in a block of ice. Then, after I’d melted it down and had a binge through Target and several pricier establishments, we cancelled that one, too. It took more than ten years to pay it all back. And in the fallout, I left a piece of myself behind. I’d entered the marriage as a bright-eyed size 6 world changer in a snappy Ann Taylor suit. Now, she’d morphed into a harried mom in stretch waistbands and a really bad perm.

I don’t blame my husband for this, by the way. Like all marriages, ours is a story about differences meeting differences. Some couples work it out. Others, like us, wind up bargaining away precious bits of self to keep the peace. My husband, a free-spirited visionary architect and artist, gave up his freedom (his words) for the love and companionship of family, home, security. I got a man willing to pay the bills when I couldn’t, who loved my children and me – unconditionally.

In exchange (or so I believed) I traded my need for stuff, for a certain kind of space (the dream house) and oddly, for hand-crafting. I stopped making things  – which seems strange, given that handwork is a great way to save money. But somehow, all of it was tied together.

It was something to do with self-expression, suppressed rage – and, of course, I was pretty busy weaving the false self that I’d pulled on over the real one.

I used to think: I am living the story of Sleeping Beauty. I pricked my finger (symbolically) and fell asleep. Or was it more like the story of the Selkie – a Celtic folktale about a man, a woman and a seal skin? Or The Crane Wife – a Japanese folk tale about a wife who wove, for her husband to sell, the most magnificent shirts… at the cost of her life?

It was all of these stories and none. It was my own tale, woven of my own story, my own skin – and I was living it without an important part of what made me me.

I spent several years sublimating my feelings and my champagne and caviar tastes with, well, things that tasted good: Heavy cream and raw honey in English Breakfast tea, cheesy meat lasagna, butter on butter. Yum.

But, oy…

One afternoon, during a reunion of old friends in Great Neck, a friend asked, “What happened to you?”

“What?” I asked, reaching up. “My hair?”

“No,” she said. “Everything.”

Everything

After two kids, twenty five years of marriage – a bad real estate deal, several lame financial decisions and, a lot of cream sauces, I’d given up. I didn’t care how my hair or nails looked, and I didn’t know what size I was. (For the record, a snug 16.) More disturbingly, I also didn’t know WHO I was.

Grateful for that wake-up call

I will always be grateful to that candid (albeit rude) friend – and in the years since she’d made me look in the mirror, I’d been turning things around. I’d sorted out the false equivalency I’d made between high-priced fashion and MY value and gotten a shot of self-esteem from a very good therapist.

Fast forward to 2009…

I was earning good money. I’d worked my way back down to a healthy size 10, and I was stocking my closet, slowly but surely with things I wasn’t ashamed to be caught photographed in… mostly.

BOOM all over again

When the recession hit it was a different, less personal BOOM, but a boom nonetheless. My husband’s architectural practice tanked, leaving us living from my paycheck and the small nest egg we’d managed to sock away.

A couple of times the electric company showed up at the door to collect payment

Though we’d been keeping our heads above water – at chin level, with the occasional snorting of water into our noses – now, we were drowning. With two kids in college, we lost our health insurance, went late on many bills, including the rent. And I started panic-stocking the frig. It’s what I do when I’m worried.

I tightened our family belt. We ate a lot of ground meat and tuna fish – and we thanked Heaven, again, that we hadn’t purchased that new house.. I gained a new respect for my husband’s frugality. Thanks to his insistence that we never use credit cards we entered the recession without debt.

And since we’re both healthy, scrappy entrepreneurial types who know how to eke out a living; shop in thrift stores and juggle bills, we made it. We’re starting to make money again. My husband has some solid new clients and his long-standing, anchor clients are returning, ready to build again. And though I’m still loading the frig, my  indulgences – Raw Walnut Date cookies, heirloom beets, organic butter  – are healthier.)

So when that check cleared I felt nearly Rockefeller-ian.

It was incredibly reassuring to see all those digits – even a comma! – in my checking account balance.

I exhaled

And I bought a little cashmere, two pair of shoes, a bottle of wine and some yarn I’d been coveting: a lovely, lavender merino wool that just happened to be on sale that day – 40% off. Then, I paid what bills I could – the dentist, an old parking ticket. I even made a dent in one of those college loans.

As the money dwindled down, I felt the old familiar ‘lack’

There were still so many other things I wanted and couldn’t buy:  a real designer handbag; a new outfit from my favorite designer –  Eileen Fisher, a cuddly cape like the one I’d seen on a tall young woman at Eataly on Sunday.

Hey, stop here, the little voice told me.

I was on my way home from visiting my dad, when I got a ping of guidance as I passed the Goodwill Store. “We close in half an hour,” the salesclerk called as I started flipping through the racks. And that’s when I found them: Three Eileen Fisher outfits, a brand new Ann Taylor cape, and a beautiful gently-used Louis Vuitton tote bag.

A Louis Vuitton TOTE bag! A real one, genuine – the kind the ladies on Middle Neck Road would buy retail to shlep around their laptops. And it was 22 dollars. Wow.

What a remarkable life this is

And here I am again – amazed, grateful, standing in the middle of my almost middle class life – with bills to pay and the BOOM of my marriage – feeling so incredibly blessed.

I love my life. I love my husband. I love the way that I am guided, always, to the things and the people who’ll delight me. The things that help me to peel away the false self that I no longer need, to find myself again – one choice at a time.

It’s not about shopping

It never was. I’m onto that trap and the other one – that makes me fill my grocery cart – and my plate – the moment I feel uneasy. I’m following these threads, not making myself wrong for wanting nice things, not labeling myself as superficial, spoiled or extravagant.

Letting myself want what I want, picking up my knitting needles and casting on this beautiful lavender wool, one stitch, then another – All of this leading me back to that young and hopeful woman, letting her – and the remarkable gifts God strews in my path,  lead me back to joy.

{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }

Sherry

Hi Amy,
I love that — one stitch, and then another. Reminds me of Anne Lamott’s “Bird by Bird” —
You have inspired me — again.
Sherry

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Amy

My favorite writer-on-writing book. :)

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COLMORIAIN

Lovely amusing blog which as a self but semi employed architect due to Irelands current recession I can readily identify with, even down to the cashmere caper. I had a similar experience in Bologna, Italy with my own wife of 30+ years where she persuaded me to acquire a cashmere sweater than ‘i did not need’ but have treasured ever since. Hope you enjoy your ‘Rockerfeller’ moment as I think you owe your own rock of a fella a lot of thanks for steering the good ship enterprise over the years. Try out my own blog by clicking profile on my twitter page as you might enjoy my own mix of humour and musings! Thanks for sharing on your own ‘Goodwill Store’.

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Amy

Thinking of you and the treasure of your lovely sweater – and a wife who insists you treat yourself. Can’t wait to feel the cashmere on my skin.

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Lori Paquette

So beautifully written and inspiring, Amy: “I love the way that I am guided, always, to the things and the people who’ll delight me. The things that help me to peel away the false self that I no longer need, to find myself again – one choice at a time.”

Lavender is such a lovely color. I have a favorite graphic from the “Information is beautiful” blog that a friend emailed me. In some cultures, Lavender is the color of wisdom, beauty, God and intuition. Ironically, in Western culture, it can be “flamboyant” or “decadence”! LOL. I definitely equate wisdom, beauty, God and intuition with you! Here is the link: http://www.informationisbeautiful.net/visualizations/colours-in-cultures/

Lori

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Amy

I had no idea about those correspondences with this beautiful color. I’ve already knit three rows of ‘wisdom’ – on circular needles. Woo hoo!

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Sally G.

What a beautiful tie-in Lori ~ and like you, I also equate Amy with beauty, God and intuitive magic.

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Andrea Maurer

What a wonderful, honest story! I loved it. Brought a tear to my eye. Thanks!

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Marjory

Beautiful Amy,
lovely to see you embrace your joie de vivre
with much gusto! You deserve all your heart desires!
Blessings,
Marjory

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Susan Donegan

How do you do it, every time you write, I can totally relate??!! I definitely have fallen and can easily fall to the shopping urge to try to make up for other life issues that I struggle with. I absolutely love that you stopped at The Goodwill Store and found all of your most current desires. I love that! I need to try that!

Thank you for sharing, wonderful, wonderful stuff!
:-)

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Amy

It happens to me pretty often. If I have a really clear intention, the things I want come to me in all kinds of ways – we find things by the curb, a friend will hand something to me, I’ll receive it as a gift. Amazing what the Universe can do it you give it just a little crack of opening…

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life in a pink fibro

Fantastic post. Messages in there for all of us. Glad I found you!

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Kat Jaibur (@katjaib)

I hope you are knitting me a shawl, because your writing gives me goosebumps. Every time. It is so delicious and rich that I can’t help but heap it on my plate. Thank you for you honesty. The rude but point-blank “friend”. The bills. The shopping. The marriage. The false self. Eileen Fisher. Lavender yarn. (Lori is right… Lavender/purple is a very spiritual color.)

I wish you much joy with your blue cashmere shawl. Small acts of self-love that stay with us are always a good investment. It’s not what we do, it’s why we do it. For my birthday, I bought myself a purple amethyst ring. I could have hinted to my husband, but it needed to come from me, to me. To say, I love you and I’m glad you’re here. When I wear it, it always makes me smile. I hope your shawl does the same for you. And I love you and I’m glad you’re here.

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Amy

This is exactly why I bought it. Yes. I could have asked my husband for it, and he would have said, “Order it and I’ll pay.” But that was not the point. For the past three or more years, I have not bought one pair of shoes for myself – and very few new clothing items. It’s been over a year since I ordered something from a catalog – and that was for my mom, a pair of slippers. It was time – and I’d earned it.

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Sally G.

I have not yet gifted myself in such a manner ~ and truth be told, I’m not thinking about what I’d purchase, where I’d turn. I so fully love the FEELING like I already have though ~ vicariously, through you. Thank you.

Marlene Hunter

When I was young and single moved out at 18 totally supported myself, rent, bills,car, sometimes money left for food, the clothes from Goodwill or swap meet, then I married at 30 husband and kids got the name brand clothes always put them first for 20 years, my clothes Goodwill, then he walked out on me and now I struggle to even buy food, clothes, no clothes in 2 years except one dress to wear to court from Ross cost $ 15.00. I think it’s so cool that you got to buy yourself something I only dream of doing it.

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Amy

I dream of you doing it, too. I see you doing it. :)

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Erin Margolin

Oh Amy…I miss you so. This post is so lovely and full of insight. A precious gift I often lack. You are constantly amazing me and exceeding yourself…..

xoxooxox

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Amy

Erin – you sooo totally do not lack the gift of insight. Here are your hugs and kisses, returned to you with love. xoxooxox

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Bridget

Amy-
I can’t believe you found an LV bag for $22! You rock! I love it!
I deeply appreciate your realism here. Many equate spiritual wholeness with financial stability, and well, these are hard times for many. Belts are tightened all over.
I am betting you’ll cherish that cashmere for many years to come. I love that you bought for yourself.
Last year, I won $1850, just out of the blue, and I wanted a handbag. I wanted a red handbag. A nice one. My friends and I went to an outlet mall, and I hemmed and hawed over a $175 kate spade bag. My friend finally said, “Buy it. Would you just please buy it please? It’s not a question of deserving it, and this isn’t coming from your budget. Come on.”
I bought it, and I use it all the time, and it was 60% off of it’s original price of around $400. So I’m mostly okay with it. :)
Anyway, it’s always a pleasure to visit your blog.

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Amy

I know you will understand this: Now I want a Kate Spade bag. :) Thank you so much for stopping by and leaving such a wonderful story for us to share and enjoy!

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Kimberly

Beautifully written. I’m so glad I found your blog.
:)

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Amy

So am I…

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Nancy Myrland

Amy, this post is absolutely beautiful. I love getting to know you better, and to get a glimpse in to your life. You are perfectly human, and share a story that is played out over and over again in the lives of many more people than we all realize. Thank you for this. Hugs to you.

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Michelle Mangen

Love it! I have a somewhat similar post coming too after a recent appointment/revelation I had with Sophie Lhoste. :-)

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blogomomma

Ahhhh you make me giggle and grin – nice to know we’re not alone! Now hand over the Vuitton! LOL

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nicole willis

Lovely Angel Amy! Your words are beautiful and touching on so many levels! Thank you. We all are guided to the learning and relearning that we are enough and are not alone!

Enjoy that shawl and the beauty/warmth is provides! You more than deserve it.

big hugs and lots of love!

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Ed Miller

Hi, Amy. I came across your blog strictly by accident, when I Googled “Peter’s Place”. I understand, sadly, that it’s closed now, since I’ve been searching for somone who worked there decades ago, someone I got involved with, after he started styling my hair, back in the mid-70s. I don’t really have much to contribute here, except to say “thanks” for your even remembering Peter’s Place, a place that’s close to my heart.

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Amy

Hi Ed – how lovely that Peter’s Place led you here, and that you reached out. :)

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