A decision I am having trouble making
In my ongoing project to live in the present moment, I have come upon a decision that I am having trouble making.
Should I discard all of these enormous piles of paper? These are five years of notes from the Soul Caller Training and LAB, which I hold onto because someday I will write a book. (Those of you who know me will recognize this decision. I keep trying to make it.)
On the surface, this looks so simple, doesn’t it? Yet, as I sit down to make it, anxiety is rising. So I thought I’d share the process because (a) it helps me to write it out like this (b) Maybe some of my process will help you with yours.
I am trying something I found in the Integrity Cleanse Workbook, from Martha Beck, who suggests that in order to make a yes/no decision, I should:
a) write down the decision
b) pretend that I have had a neurological event which filters away all voices but that of my own true nature.
c) pretend that I have made the decision
d) await the rise of anxiety and listen to all the arguments the mind makes against my choice.
e) examine and challenge these arguments
Here is my process:
After my neurological event:
I would throw it all away, retaining only the working book projects. I would print them out and make editorial changes, moving them to completion.
Decision made. And here are the arguments…
So sad to have wasted so much time.
You don’t have much time left.
You’ll never catch up now.
You are so disorganized… ugh:
Just get organized and you can use all of it.
Think of all the workbooks, ebooks, workshops you could build with this.
You can’t throw this all away: you’ve been entrusted by God to save the world!
Um… be right back. I need to have a talk with myself.
Oh, sweetheart, that is WAY too much power for one person. You are absolutely not in this alone – and PS the world does not need to be saved. (She doesn’t believe me (because Trump) so we are taking a moment ‘on the bench’ to discuss this.)
Hugging… wiping some tears.
Seriously, this is deep shit.
Under all of these papers, there is a very scared little girl who doesn’t know what to do, doesn’t trust the world.
But here, looking at all of these beautiful notes – they are works of art, really – there is a wide-awake, fully-grown woman who knows exactly what to do:
a) Discard the papers, with such love and gratitude for the hard work in those piles.
b) Hold an honoring ceremony
c) Ask the writing gods to guide me.
Trust the world.