Erin Margolin: Wisdom never stops
Erin Margolin has a gift for telling emotionally resonant stories with insight, humor and disarming candor. She is honest and often, raw, insisting on pushing herself outside the boundaries of comfort, of what other people may (or may not) consider ‘appropriate’ to create stories that often leave me breathless – and always leave me inspired.
When I met Erin in real life at Sarah Robinson’s “Creating Irresistible Presence” conference in Atlanta, she was warm and genuine – but I knew that, already a fan of her writing.
We sat together, learning to let our ‘superpowers’ out of hiding, sharing lunches and some tears – and I’m pretty sure I gave her my cold.
To me, Erin’s is the wisdom of outrageous courage – she has a homing instinct for truth – and deep strength (though she’ll deny that part). Here is a true warrior.. of love, fiercely determined to create love, find love, and bring more love to this world.
When I invited Erin to be part of the Wisdom Series, I had no idea that she was experiencing a truly miraculous ‘awakening’ of her own.
I am pleased and proud to introduce her to you:
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Shhhhhh. Come a little closer and I shall share my sweet secret with you:
There is a little red bean growing in my womb, entirely on its own, of its own volition. Do Not Disturb! (it is a red bean b/c I am from New Orleans.)
Our little miracle, to be sure.
Proof that I am very much the woman I never felt I was–capable of creating life without injections, crazy drug cocktails, needles in my ovaries and constant monitoring.
My body apparently works just fine, despite having failed me miserably on numerous occasions. Despite the diagnosis (polycystic ovaries), the doctors’ droning on and on about the merits of in-vitro fertilization in cases like mine, and despite being on birth control. A-hem. Yes, yes I was. Maybe I’ve finally let go of all that stuff. For good? I don’t know.
All those years wasted blaming and berating myself, thinking I was LESS of a woman, LESS of a mother, just…lots of less.
But all at once, because of a little red bean, less is the new MORE.
I’m happier now than I could have ever imagined. Wisdom and perspective are my new best friends. The possibilities are endless: I can get pregnant on my own (read: miracle)! I radiate femininity, it’s oozing from my every pore; I even have an aura (it’s hot pink, in case there was any doubt). I am woman after all.
The wonderment I feel as I watch my own body adapt so quickly; it knows, remembers. It thinks: I’ve done this before. And I’m supposed to do it again. Quietly, readily, it shifts to take on this role. My belly is rounding. My breasts are swollen and tender. I’m utterly exhausted. My stomach rolls and shudders. At long last, after all this time, my body is surpassing my greatest expectations. It’s tending to the miracle we created.
The little bean has been around for ten weeks. It has a strong heartbeat. While it’s making me queasy, tired and a teensy bit irritable, it’s also made me believe again—in myself, in G-d, and in magic and miracles. Three is a magic number, you know. I am going to be the mother of three. This baby was meant to be.
And if I lose the red bean? Then it’s better I’ve revealed its existence here because I will need your support and love all the more afterwards.
What I Know For Sure:
Wisdom is recognizing that there’s so much I/we don’t know, and we shouldn’t be afraid to admit it. Wisdom is respecting all of that, but at the same time not letting it limit us.
Wisdom is confessing that I’m scared to death this little bean won’t be mine in the end. That it will get taken away. I am relaxing into the fear, not letting it rule me. It is natural, this anxiety. But I have to stay positive for the red bean.
Wisdom is the knowledge that I am not in total control, that someone/something greater is. Wisdom comes in letting go….of fear, and of whatever holds us back.
Wisdom never stops. We never stop learning her lessons.
What have I learned? That my body bucks science, medicine. The Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. The myth that I can’t/don’t ovulate. I have relaxed. I have come into myself, into my own.
I am a writer.
I’m a mother.
I am Erin.
I am just me.
And I’m finally okay with that.
I love you, little bean. Stay with me.
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Erin is a displaced New Orleanian now living in the Land of Oz. She
speaks French (and hag) fluently. In addiiton to her writing skills, Erin makes a mean challah and can smell a bottle of chilled Chardonnay from 30 miles away. She’s been known to move things using the power of her mind. She writes at www.erinmargolin.com and tweets from @ErinMargolin.