I don't need to fear this love that I feel.
Sometimes, when love for a new friend begins to move in my heart, I feel afraid.I become shy, withdrawn - nervous. I start to squash myself - to second guess the things I say and don't say.This weekend, I began to observe all of this with a gentle and curious eye, without scolding myself for being 'too small', 'too introverted,' or 'too quiet'.I discovered that the 'shyness' that I've struggled with for years was not what I thought it was. I am not actually shy at all. This 'shyness' is actually withheld love - withheld enthusiasm.It's as if I am slapping a hand across my own mouth (and the other over my own heart) lest you notice that I am beginning to love you.I'm not really sure where this got started - in childhood somewhere, probably related to my mom, who had a hard time negotiating social situations.Honestly, it doesn't really matter where it started.What does matter is that I notice that it happens - and that, when it does, I have a way of meeting the surge of fear: a method of self-soothing which can hold open my heart so that I don't clamp it down, clamp it shut.A method that allows the rising flow of love to continue to move in my heart - and FROM my heart to yours.If I focus only on my own awkwardness and insecurity, I keep you from discovering that, like you, I have some wonderful things to share. Things like the very enthusiasm that I'm trying to hide!And it keeps ME from discovering that I am no less wonderful than you - and that you just might just, you know, like me back.If, before we even begin, I have withheld all that is wonderful in myself from you, we both miss out.