The conversation between fear and willingness

As I struggle to make the decision about whether to attend Pacifica next year, I'm observing the conversation between fear and willingness which has driven me all of my life.As I witness all of this braiding into and out of the loom of awareness, the most remarkable tapestry is taking form: a completely new sense of who I am and what I am for.I am so grateful for your willingness to witness this with me.As it stands today, I am still circling round with my Pacifica or .... 'something I can't name' choice - but it feels as if it's closer, slower. Ready to settle.Yesterday, it was Pacifica.Today, 'something I can't name' is winning.I sense that I am deciding between 'being a writer' and 'being a therapist' --choosing between writing the deep,rich memoir-ish book that is calling to me and the deep dive into psycho-spiritual research, which is also calling.If that is the choice, writing is going to win. It feels scarier and more alive. And also, I can deep dive into psycho-spiritual research to help me write it.If that is the choice that I make, it will begin to shift my thing that I do toward teaching writing and creative journaling as a path to spiritual inquiry, personal growth and healing.If that is the choice that I make, I will not have the PhD after my name - but I will have traveled the world, learning and breathing and teaching and growing. I will have taken all the classes that I've been longing to take, but haven;t taken because I was not ready to give them to me.If Pacifica is the choice, the other things will recede and the hard work of becoming a professional in a world of academic research and study will move to the fore.One feels magical and flowing and colorful and studded with stars.The other feels deep and important and grownup - and glowing with a different kind of light.Stay tuned.