Ivy Landesman-Slevin: When Love Takes Over

In April, 2012, Amy Oscar was no more to me than a phone number scribbled on a scrap of paper beside the numbers of doctors, surgeons, and a highly recommended psychopharmacologist. But that number had been given to me by my lifelong friend, Deb. Deb was my voice teacher, music partner and comrade on our earthly spiritual journey. She'd been on my roller coaster for years — so when she bugged the heck out of me to call this woman, Amy, I trusted her. And anyway, what did I have to lose?I was broke - and emotionally broken. My husband and I had lost everything in the California real estate market during the economic tsunami of 2008 - and our marriage, already strained, had ended. With little more than the shirt on my back, my punch-drunk eight-year-old son and I moved back to New York to be near my family.  We settled in Long Beach, the closest place I could find to the sweet beach life I’d lived in San Diego. I found a job - a three-hour shlep into Manhattan - doing mind numbing legal assistant work and turned my attention to helping my son adjust to a new school and new life.Then I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I felt enraged. Cold with mortal fear. Trained as a nurse, I knew what I was facing . A mastectomy was the way to make sure they got it out of my body forever. Still, I searched for a surgeon who’d tell me I could have a lumpectomy, delaying the inevitable.The longer I waited, the more my despair grew. I felt like a trapped animal boxed in by its own skin. My eight-year-old was the anchor who held me to the earth but I kept him blissfully ignorant of my diagnosis.I didn't want anyone to know what I was facing. I didn’t want pity. I was ashamed, imagining that I’d become the poster child for: “You think your life’s bad… be thankful you're not HER!”  I was saying awful things and making people worry about me, like telling my mother I’d rather be dead than to go through a mastectomy. One particularly bad morning, I called my brother, a physician,  who was in the middle of seeing patients, and asked him if he’d take care of my son if I wasn’t around.Instead of joining my pity party, my brother “ ripped me another a_ _hole," informing me that I was to do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to make sure I would be here for my son.Stunned, I hung up on him. How dare he chew me out?  How could he not get that behind my desperate plea for attention,  I was scared out of my wits. I hated everyone, especially myself.Amy answered her phone as if she’d been waiting for my call. I’d be lying if I told you I remembered exactly what she said - but I remember what happened to me after the phone call: My life took a 180 and I began a healing journey home… to myself.I’ll admit that I expected Amy, a ‘spiritual counselor’, would urge me to ‘think positive” and wish away the cancer.  I was afraid she’d suggest herbs and acupuncture with a couple of good chiropractic adjustments.Yet it was nothing like that. Somehow, with Amy’s help, I realized that this dis-ease was the physical manifestation of the breakdown in my armor that I had built around my wounded heart.I had a choice . Instead of being a victim of my circumstance, I could see this as a crossroad. I could consciously choose the surgery, and bravely change  the course of my life. I’d been through so much and felt uncomfortable being vulnerable. But as our conversation evolved, Amy enrolled me in a vision of what my life could be. When I crossed that threshold, there was no turning back.I called my surgeon the next day and scheduled my surgery for May 5, the very start of the Soul Caller Training. As the saying goes, the work starts the minute you sign up… I listened to the calls, doing the homework at a snails pace. Yet, even so, blessings seemed to come out of the woodwork. My  appreciation for humanity expanded. My friends and family seem to flourish around me - I experienced extraordinary acts of kindness, even from strangers.I was acutely aware of my lightness of being - a knowing that things were different. I was different. I will never forget how gently I was held in the Soul Caller Circle, how loved and supported I was, as I walked the razor’s edge.The friends I’ve made there have become my sisters. We trust each other enough to  show up with our messy selves, and our glory. We share signs from the Universe, laugh and cry over our less than shiny moments , gathering strength in numbers. We have developed a solid bond, counting on each of us to be the stand for each other’s highest good.Years ago, during the Life Spring training, one of the trainers said something I’ve never forgotten. “I never want to be that person who is the cause of anyone else’s sadness, or pain. When they lay their head down on their pillow,  and reflect upon their day. I want to be someone that brings a smile to their face.” It resonated with me, but I didn’t fully understand how to be that person, until I met Amy.By doing The Soul Caller Training, I’ve found my purpose in life , and express it by doing things I love: art, music, business, and caregiving.  I've developed my inner vision, and learned to trust my intuition. My confidence in my artistic expression has grown by owning who I am. I experience people as my allies rather than as enemies, propelling me to step out and take more risks, increasing my chances that my dreams are an achievable reality.I had a huge breakthrough during that first call with Amy. It came from our discussion about forgiveness. I saw that hanging on to anger was like a Tazmanian devil, a whirling dervish of negative energy that was mowing through my life and ripping out pieces of my soul. Once I saw what holding on to that negative energy was doing to me, to MY life, I was able to unhook from the victim story I was running, seeing how it was running ME. Forgiveness was the key to the city. Letting go of the hurts and wrongs I'd held onto for so long, and forgiving myself.No longer held hostage by my feelings,  I’m able to move through my life being present to what is happening in the moment. When I show up unencumbered by my past, I can choose how I want to meet the multitude of opportunities life offers me, drawing the future I dream of into reality. But I’m not a saint. I’m a human being. I have shadows like everyone else, but I’m learning to embrace those parts of me, too. They offer guidance.I’m trying to stay with my feelings rather than escape them by numbing out or stuffing them down. So that even when Hurricane Sandy displaced me from my home - and my son and I had to move back in with my ex for seven months, I was able to turn it into an opportunity for forgiveness and resilience.Because when I choose from love, my life always works.There’s an immediate shift in the energy. The molecules rearrange themselves and life works again. There is space and room for forward motion, opportunities to work in harmony, to finally feel what all the spiritual rhetoric is about, and to enjoy and appreciate all of life that is around me.I’m still a drama queen. It’s who I am, only now I’ve come to accept and even like that part of me. She’s fun. I trust the universe, and I have faith in my self.  Who can really say that and mean it? I can…. It's amazing, and 100% true.--------------------------Ivy Landesman-Slevin is a singer/songwriter, jewelry and wall decor designer,  creative entrepreneur, health advocate and mother. She and her son, now 11, live in Long Beach, Long Island, New York.To view a video of Ivy's song, When Love Takes Over, click here on this public Facebook link:https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10203524894945232&l=7404631322187648400"it's sort of like a vision board to music," Ivy explains. " I can make them for people. This one's to inspire kids - that they can be anything they want to be in this life. "To learn more about The Soul Caller Training, click here.To learn about Amy's private (one-on-one) counseling sessions, click here.