What happened after the argument about how to organize the house

This morning, a spider scuttled under my keyboard as I wrote the words: I won't live that way any more ...wait, no... I can't. My heart won't allow it. Not any more.(The spider was the color of bleached straw, the same color as the butcher block table where I sat working so, I almost didn't see her. What I saw was movement - almost invisible... but not. Almost concealed but not. I saw her, and I saw her moving. )And all at once, I knew, I have to move - and by 'move' I meant ... everything. I have to move my body, I have to move forward, I have to move this stuck and fearful energy that lives in this house where we've lived far too long.And if it won't move - I have to move out of it - and move it out of me. Because I have to move, now, into the life that is waiting for me.I knew that staying here and trying to change this situation was using all of my energy - and I've been feeling emptied by that, exhausted at the end of each day in a way that I have never ever felt before.And I began to cry - because that is what I do to help me move energy. And because I knew that it was time to stop trying so hard to change this house. Time to realize that it's not going to change but that this doesn't mean that I cannot change.If I change magic can happen.I got into the car - because that, too, is what I do. I drive and I listen to music and I try to assemble puzzle pieces into an order that I can live with. And usually, as I drive, the world around me starts to constellate into a kind of conversation.And I saw that there, on the passenger seat, there was a book that I've been meaning to read, House as a Mirror of Self. And I laughed a little, in that sort of a'ha way that we laugh.And my iPhone started shuffling. Sometimes, in the mix of favorite songs, it surprises me with a piece of an audiobook - like one of David Whyte's wonderful poetry readings or a recording from a spiritual teacher. This morning, the teacher was me - a recorded lecture of my own voice speaking the first words of the Soul Caller Training - a riff on a poem by Rilke.I pulled to the side of the road because, you know, crying again. And I listened to my own voice repeat: Go to the limits of your longing. Embody me. Give me your hand.And that book sat on the seat beside me.And the world stretched out in every direction around my car.And me, listening to my own voice, channeling Rilke who was channeling God.And that spider, scuttling around in some other part of the house.PS Here's a recording of Krista Tippett and Joanna Macy talking about the poem that I read.